Love is a Decision

Watching my oldest move closer to the date when he will truly ‘leave his parents’ and begin the lifelong process of ‘cleaving’ to his wife, I find myself thinking more and more about love. This word, like many, has become one we toss glibly about: we love chocolate, we love Scandal, we love the flowers growing in our garden, we love pecan sweet potato pie (can I get an amen!) – the list goes on. But do we really love these things? And if we do, are they able to love us back? And if they weren’t able to love us back, should that make a difference to the quality of and our commitment to love?  Of course, these questions do not really apply to chocolate or pie especially since their brand of ‘love’ leaves them clinging to thighs, abs and chins and refusing to let go. That’s probably not a healthy love. But these are questions we must ask about genuine love relationships.

I have prayed long that my children would marry people who loved God with all of their hearts and souls, people who treasured, respected and honored my son and daughter. I’ve also prayed that whomever our children married would be folded into our family, without all of the negative drama so prevalent and normalized in our society. And my prayer has not been only for the future spouses but that our families would mesh, that we would love each other, be great friends and supports. In my vision, our families would merge so tightly that we provided a safe harbor in which these new family branches could grow and bear fruit.

This is the prayer of a person for whom family is very important, the prayer of a person for whom love has often seemed more like something captured in a colander than a bowl. At times I’ve watched love slip through the holes and wondered what happened. Sometimes I have carelessly pressed it through those holes. I’ve also floated in it, riding the gentle swells. confident in the ability of the container to hold true. And still I believe… I seek… I desire to love and be loved.

Over the years I’ve learned something very important about love. It’s not the overwhelming, mushy feeling of the movies and romance novels. Love is much more than that. Our emotions are fickle, contrary and very often totally and deliberately deceitful. Strong, mushy feelings are important. Who hasn’t loved so much that you wondered if your chest could contain all of the feelings! But emotions are really only a fraction of the story. Love is a decision we make and purpose in our hearts to act upon. In the traditional wedding ceremony, the officiant asks the bride and groom if they promise to love, not, do you love this person already but do you promise to love through whatever life throws your way. That implies making a conscious and continuing decision!!

I’m rejoicing because in a few short months I’m going to have a truly wonderful daughter-in-love. I already adore her. Yet, the truth is, we don’t fully know each other right now and that’s okay. We have a lifetime to get to know each other. It will take time for the seeds being planted now to take root and blossom. That’s the future. In the present, I know enough to be willing to choose to love her. I know she loves my son. I know she loves God. I know she loves her family and I know she is willing to love ours. So, I deliberately make the choice to love this young woman. I make a conscious choice to make room in my heart for her and for the rest of those she loves. I choose to love her now and I’m going to love her as long as we both shall live. If that sounds like the wedding vow it’s because it is. When two people marry, they join FAMILIES! There really is no such thing as marriage between two people. Other cultures have a better understanding of this concept than Americans and it’s time we do a better job of comprehending.

Choosing to love is not always easy; sometimes it would seem simpler just to walk away or turn your back. Love is risky business at the best of times because we are flawed individuals. Because we are, it is inevitable that we hurt each other, that we step on toes by mistake, that we get so caught up in our own stuff that we are negligent or careless with others. Yes, deciding to love is risky but the rewards are tremendous. You and I are recipients of deliberate love. God’s love for a deadbeat, hard-headed, recalcitrant humanity (that would be you and me in case you missed it) was so deep that God made a decision that would cost Jesus His life. God did that for us, not because we deserved it but because God loved.  This is how Vanessa Bell Armstrong’s song, For God So Loved The World, puts it:

God could have chosento never love again,
fallen man could go his wayand die in his sin.
But God in His compassion said,“I’ll pay redemption’s price”,
so He took on the form of man and became the perfect sacrifice.

That’s the image of love, personal sacrifice, a decision to love when you don’t feel like it, when the other person gets on your nerves, when you feel misunderstood…. even when your heart is broken. Love is a decision. What is your choice?

This photo was taken after Mom and Dad Cox celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. This is one of my favorite images of sacrificial love!

When I’m old

I saw something today that really blessed me even while it made me think. We were out for our morning romp on the beach. I was playing with a football along the shore while Gerald rode waves further out in the ocean. I saw a couple laying near the water in lounge chairs, the man on his side facing the woman, talking earnestly. Later, I saw them standing in the ocean, holding hands and quietly talking. By this time, Gerald had Hezekiah in the ocean, riding the waves. As I made my way closer to the boys, I passed near the couple. They looked old enough to be Adam and Eve, bodies wrinkled, evidence of a long life etched in their faces. Yet, their eyes sparkled and they laughed every time a wave washed over them. The three of us laughed about the cool water and agreed that it was warmer today than yesterday. I pressed on past. And as I stood there waiting for the boys to come closer, I thought about what I had seen.

The love and attention the man and woman lavish on each other was evident in every action. I imagined them standing before their pastor 60 years earlier, younger versions of themselves, vowing to stay together forever, through better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness, health. And in a flash I imagined all of the things they had seen, the pressures they had withstood, their losses, gains, joys and sorrows. I don’t know their story. I know only what I saw today – two people devoted to each other, a man and a woman who could allow the bigness of the world to shrink around them.

I want that! On August 15 Gerald and I will celebrate 29 years of marriage. In those years we’ve had many ups, downs, years of barely making it and years of plenty. There has been sadness, heartbreak, fear, anger, laughter, joy, wonder, peace, strife – we’ve been through a lot together, and often wondered if it was worth another try.  We’ve raised two children and are co-raising a grandchild. I don’t know what that couple has withstood. But I know that one day I want to stand in the ocean, holding hands as Gerald and I close the rest of the world out. And, I know, from the benefit of 28 years of marriage, counseling many married couples and teaching an on-going Sunday School class for nearly 15 years, that it will not just happen. The only thing that occurs naturally is deterioration. Anything that is not actively tended will deteriorate. Beautiful gardens become wastelands of weeds, a brand new home soon becomes a dump, a svelte body becomes a spongy mass of flesh, a relationship untended is not a relationship at all.

The result I want to see when I’m old starts with the work I do today. How about you?

What’s Your Filter?

I was listening to Marvin Sapp sing The Best In Me. I’ve loved this song since the first time I heard it:

He saw the best in me,
when everyone else around me,
could only see the worst in me

He’s mine and I’m his,
it doesn’t matter what I did.
He only sees me for who I am

And every time I listen I raise my hands in praise that my God, the creator of the universe, looked at me and saw the best! There were and continue to be so many other things God could see. Though I often pretend they don’t exist, in my unguarded moments I can see those things in myself yet to be totally surrendered to God. Yet, despite all of it, God saw and always sees, the best in me.

Today, I went through my normal ritual of praising God for looking beyond my faults when the Holy Spirit began to work. For the first time I really pondered those words and acknowledged the reason God sees my best and not my mess. God sees me through the prism of the blood of Jesus! That’s reason enough to shout. Of course, I already knew that but sometimes I take it for granted. Still, this was not what the Holy Spirit wanted me to consider.

Jesus loves us enough to cover our sinfulness so that God offers grace instead of the justice we so rightly deserve. Jesus does this knowing our every fault. He covers us despite the times we reject him or hurt him.

Today, I invite you to consider two things the Holy Spirit showed me.

1. Jesus covers us so that God sees the good in us. Jesus is to be our example of righteousness. Yet, too often we are unwilling to cover our brothers and sisters. Instead, in our words and actions, we seem to find joy in exposing their brokenness for all to see. If truth is told, we do this much more often with the people we are supposed to love the most: our children, our spouses, our parents. Friends, decide today to cover the people you love with prayer, grace, mercy.

2. God looks through Jesus Christ and sees our best! Number one will be easier to do if we begin to see people through the filter of Jesus Christ. When we look through our own pain, through our own limited understanding, through our own experiences, even through the prism of the wrong others have done to us, we will always see the worst in people. But when we view them through Jesus, we see people made in the image of God.

Marvin Sapp’s song is a wonderful reminder that, even as we celebrate the blessed privilege of knowing God sees our best, we must extend grace to others. Imagine how families would be transformed if husbands and wives made a conscious decision to see the other as God sees him or her. Imagine the confidence children would have if every adult in their lives would stop concentrating on their flaws and see them as gifts from God. We have the power to change our worlds if we simply take off our blinders and put on the filter of Jesus Christ.

What filter are you wearing?

New study to begin in February: Bring Home The Joy

An invitation to invest in your relationship!

Starting next week we will begin a new study for married couples. I also recommend that those who are engaged participate.

The book, Bring Home The Joy, is a series of articles by some of the greatest minds on marriage.  The study is designed to help couples “strengthen and renew” marriages at any stage, whether brand new or seasoned.

We will learn

• the number one priority in your marriage
• how to fight in a way that lets you both come out winners
• the incredible power of commitment
• secrets for enjoying mutually satisfying sex (married folk only)
• how to become soul mates
• and much more!

Please get a copy of the book and join me weekly as I post summaries from the Sunday lessons.  I invite your comments.  I know that God is going to bless so plan now to join us in this study.

You are welcomed to join us at Omega Baptist Church on Sundays at 10:00.

Ten Ways to Ensure that Your Spouse Feels Loved

This is from Family Dynamics Institute.

1.     Pray with your spouse every day. 2.     Enjoy a “date” every week with your spouse. 3.     Spend 10 minutes each day listening to your spouse share his or her day. 4.     Discover & fulfill four ways your spouse likes you to receive affection. 5.     While at home wear only what the other desires you to wear, as long as you feelcomfortable doing so. 6.     Give your spouse 15 minutes per week to ask you any question and answer each question honestly. 7.     Spend 5 un-interrupted minutes each week telling your spouse what you specifically appreciate about him or her. 8.     Ask your spouse what domestic chore he or she would like you to do for him or her, and do it. 9.     Save up to $25 this next month that you would normally spend pampering yourself and put it into your retirement fund. 10.     Spend at least two hours every week for the next month doing something enriching for your entire family.

The Shoe Box

Some of you may have read this before. However, the kernel of truth in it caused me to laugh out loud. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think. Testimonials etc. are welcomed

The Shoe Box (Author unknown)

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’

A Prayer…….

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death, because I don’t know how to crochet.

Chapter 8: Priorities

This chapter is the one that leads couples to really make a 100 day commitment to their marriages. The author details three activities that every couple ought to do together every day: pray, share feelings, encourage each other. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Also sounds like something we ought to already be doing on a daily basis without having to read it in a book, doesn’t it?  If we ought to already be doing these things, then why are so many marriages in trouble?  The answer for most is that our relationships no longer take priority over the other things we let crowd our schedules. Remember when you were dating?  Weiss reminds us that we didn’t find time to be together. We made time. Because we wanted to impress the other person, because our relationships were top priority, we made sure to schedule quality time with our lover.  After marriage, many people just can’t seem to find five minutes to sit on the sofa and tell the other person about their day. How sad. If we are to change the horrific divorce statistics we must make our relationships top priority.

I challenge every married couple to set aside 100 days to reestablish their marriages as top priority. Spend a few minutes every day telling your spouse something about you – sharing a feeling (not just a thought). Spend a few minutes every day giving your spouse a sincere compliment. And, husband, take the initiative and pray with your wife every day. To get the recommended procedure, please read this chapter of the book. The information is life-changing!

Chapter Six: Sexuality

The deeper we get into this book the more convinced I am that this is a must-read for married couples AND for couples who are engaged. In fact, I am performing my first marriage and am going to require the couple to read the book. Both of these individuals have been married before and I know there is healing that needs to occur if this marriage is going to last.

Chapter 6 helps couples deal with sexuality. Weiss teaches that most of us have never developed a healthy and strong sense of sexuality because of our past sexual histories. Some marriages, he says are plagued with ‘sexual anorexia’ which he defines as “the active withholding of spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy.” (77) Most people married today have not kept themselves free of sexual liaisons prior to getting married. They come to marriage with premarital sexual baggage that creates hindrances in the present. Sexual activity outside of the bounds of marriage cause tremendous damage- to the person committing the sexual act, to the future wife or husband as well as to the relationship with God. We were created as sexual beings but its expression is right ONLY within the marriage relationship and was created by God to allow us to connect with one person for life.

When sex occurs outside of the marriage relationship, whether in premarital situations, adultery, or pornography the person committing the sin- and that’s what it is- creates a ‘secret place’ that keeps them from being 100 percent intimate with their spouses. Sexual sin exposes you to various personalities and fantasies that can block a person from fully accepting and appreciating their spouse. Sexual sin defiles the marriage institution which God loves so very much. Sexual memories are, as Weiss puts it, an “unfortunate consequence of the sins to which you exposed yourself. Your memory is your problem. Don’t project it onto your spouse.” (82)

Couples have sexual histories as individuals but they also have a shared history. This history can be positive or negative depending upon how you have treated each other during your marriage. Some people have positive relationships because they have worked to keep their communication open and because they created the sexual history within the bounds of marriage. Others have very bad histories including ‘mate rape,’ sexual rejection, adultery and pornography. Couples with these issues will have more difficulty working through the blockages. The only recourse is healing if you want to have an intimate marriage. Healing IS possible, given information and time.

Some couples suffer in the area of sexuality because one of the partners was abused by someone outside of the marriage. Weiss gives very interesting and appalling statistics. He writes that “30% of females and 10% of males are sexually abused before the age of eighteen. That breaks down to about one out of three women and one out of six men.” (84) All of our congregations are negatively impacted by this phenomenon. Sexual abuse causes major problems for the person who was hurt. Sexual abuse is a “three dimensional” trauma involving the spirit, soul and body. The ways that people respond to this trauma is varied. Some become overly sexual, some are not sexual at all. Others struggle with depression, eating disorders, rage, and an inability to have and enjoy healthy relationships. Weiss continues to make an important point: the person who was the offender is 100% responsible for the act but the victim remains 100% responsible for his or her own healing. And I add, we all must seek God for relief from expecting someone else to pay for damage they did not cause. Personal healing will allow the person who has been victimized to have more of themselves to give to their spouse, children and friends.

Sexual addiction is also a huge problem for marriages. It kills spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. Weiss notes that between 29-39% of Christian men in local churches are sexually addicted. (86). That means that over a third of us have husbands who suffer from sexual addictions! If your husband falls into this category I recommend that you read the book, Living with Your Husbands Secret Wars by Marsha Means.

Going through this chapter netted some pretty serious conversation on Sunday in our class. Starting with a question about ‘mate rape’ – that is, if your husband forces you to have sex with him when you’ve already said no is this considered ‘mate rape’ – we ended up in a pretty heavy and at times heated discussion about 1) whether Christian women have the right to deny their husbands and 2) if women who do say no do they encourage their husbands to cheat.  You can imagine how that went. Personally, I always get a bit angry when it seems as if women are held responsible -blamed- for their husbands’ wrong choices. It’s much like blaming the victim of spousal abuse saying if she had kept her mouth shut he wouldn’t have hit her.  When the scripture teaches that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to our spouses, did God mean that we are to be ‘ready in season and out of season, whether you feel like it or not?’

Clearly, we need to honor our husbands and wives with our bodies. That’s part of what this book is about. I guess, we may need to go back to the first couple of chapters and read about spiritual and emotional intimacy as the root of physical intimacy if we can expect to be victorious!

What do you think?

Lesson Five: Relational Plaque

Chapter Five relates toxic buildup in relationships to what happens if you don’t keep your teeth brushed. Relational plaque is caused by little acts of neglect as well as large offenses that are not dealt with. Weiss says us that many Christians have a problem with the word sin. We justify sinful behaviors by calling them something else, by rationalizing them. He writes ‘Selfishness, rudeness, taking advantage of another person and lying are all sins!” (67) When we sin against our spouses, we must seek forgiveness. And that forgiveness needs to be expressed sincerely and regularly. Instead, we often belittle or laugh off our spouse’s pain. We do that by making comments such as “I didn’t mean anything by it” or “that’ll teach you to…” or “can’t you take a joke etc.” Weiss teaches that each person will ask his/her spouse to forgive them WEEKLY if they want to avoid relational plaque. This is understandable if we acknowledge that many of the ways we treat each other is sinful and not a justified actions.

Weiss also reminds us that simply saying ‘I’m sorry’ is very different from saying “I sinned against you by….” Saying the words ‘I’m sorry’ is much easier than owning our own bad behaviors. Apologies must be sincere and not lightly given. In this way, you totally own your own sin. If you are not accustomed to apologizing, practice!

There is a really great exercise in this chapter that will help couples get rid of relational plaque. (pages 72-76) Someone in our class described how she and her husband used the process successfully. It is critical that you follow the instructions. Another person explained the relief she got after she had gone through the cleansing process. The class concluded that partners may need to return to the cleansing process regularly in order to honest grant forgiveness.

The goal of this chapter is to help each person understand that sin that we do not own or that is not confessed will become toxic to our relationships.

Start calling sin what it is. And when you sin against your spouse, tell them and ask for forgiveness.

Next chapter: Dealing With Sexuality.

Please post a comment on this or any of the other summaries. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Revdonna

Lesson Four: The Anger Enemy

Many married people are deeply – and justifiably – angry. Abuse and neglect have caused tremendous scarring and traumatized their marriages.  Not only have some refused to share their hearts with spouses but others have been emotionally and physically abused. Adultery is also an insidious part of marriages, unfortunately even among Christian couples. Adultery “affects the spirit, soul and body, creating deep wounds” (48)  and deeply impacts the offended person.  Weiss teaches that in each of these situations, each person has a specific area of responsibility.  The perpetrator is responsible for the feelings of the wounded person. However, the wounded person is the only one who can be responsible for the healing.  This is an important point. If your spouse has deeply wounded you, it is critical that you realize that you are the only person who has responsibility for the healing work that must be done.  If you do not take responsibility, then you will be stuck and anger will be your constant companion. When people are angry, intimacy is not possible.

We must all be careful of the many faces of anger. It can be overt, silent and even hidden. Whichever, it is important to identify the anger, the reason for the anger and to excise it.  To do so, Weiss recommends that we “cleanse” our temples.  Using the story of Jesus cleansing the temple, Weiss gives four principles for cleansing.
1. We must recognize that as the temple of God, it is our responsibility to keep it cleaned. Our temple can become defiled through manipulation, abuse and neglect from others. We can also defile our own temples. However, it becomes defiled, it is OUR responsibility to clean.  Even if our spouses deeply hurt us, we must do our own cleaning.
2. Like Jesus, we must identify the sin that causes the defilement. I loved Weiss’ comments. He writes, “most people who have hurt you have no concept of your holiness and preciousness.” (56)  Sin misuses and abuses something that is holy and sacred.
3. Jesus engaged his anger at the injustice, verbally and physically. This is not a license to beat the heck out of people who hurt us. It is, however, a call to be purposeful in the display of anger at injustices. If you are going to cleanse your temple you must make choices about the way you direct time and resources towards that cleansing.
4. Jesus restored the temple to its original order. Like Jesus, we must take responsibility for our healing and do what needs to be done to restore health and order to our lives. Trauma affects us at three levels- spirit, soul and body. It defiles us on each of those levels. True healing requires healing on all three levels. It is not adequate to do surface cleaning/healing if you want to have deep intimacy with your spouse and with others.

Weiss describes a “cleanse the temple” exercise that I strongly encourage you to read and consider. It is powerful. (58-64)