Chapter 8: Priorities

This chapter is the one that leads couples to really make a 100 day commitment to their marriages. The author details three activities that every couple ought to do together every day: pray, share feelings, encourage each other. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Also sounds like something we ought to already be doing on a daily basis without having to read it in a book, doesn’t it?  If we ought to already be doing these things, then why are so many marriages in trouble?  The answer for most is that our relationships no longer take priority over the other things we let crowd our schedules. Remember when you were dating?  Weiss reminds us that we didn’t find time to be together. We made time. Because we wanted to impress the other person, because our relationships were top priority, we made sure to schedule quality time with our lover.  After marriage, many people just can’t seem to find five minutes to sit on the sofa and tell the other person about their day. How sad. If we are to change the horrific divorce statistics we must make our relationships top priority.

I challenge every married couple to set aside 100 days to reestablish their marriages as top priority. Spend a few minutes every day telling your spouse something about you – sharing a feeling (not just a thought). Spend a few minutes every day giving your spouse a sincere compliment. And, husband, take the initiative and pray with your wife every day. To get the recommended procedure, please read this chapter of the book. The information is life-changing!

Chapter Six: Sexuality

The deeper we get into this book the more convinced I am that this is a must-read for married couples AND for couples who are engaged. In fact, I am performing my first marriage and am going to require the couple to read the book. Both of these individuals have been married before and I know there is healing that needs to occur if this marriage is going to last.

Chapter 6 helps couples deal with sexuality. Weiss teaches that most of us have never developed a healthy and strong sense of sexuality because of our past sexual histories. Some marriages, he says are plagued with ‘sexual anorexia’ which he defines as “the active withholding of spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy.” (77) Most people married today have not kept themselves free of sexual liaisons prior to getting married. They come to marriage with premarital sexual baggage that creates hindrances in the present. Sexual activity outside of the bounds of marriage cause tremendous damage- to the person committing the sexual act, to the future wife or husband as well as to the relationship with God. We were created as sexual beings but its expression is right ONLY within the marriage relationship and was created by God to allow us to connect with one person for life.

When sex occurs outside of the marriage relationship, whether in premarital situations, adultery, or pornography the person committing the sin- and that’s what it is- creates a ‘secret place’ that keeps them from being 100 percent intimate with their spouses. Sexual sin exposes you to various personalities and fantasies that can block a person from fully accepting and appreciating their spouse. Sexual sin defiles the marriage institution which God loves so very much. Sexual memories are, as Weiss puts it, an “unfortunate consequence of the sins to which you exposed yourself. Your memory is your problem. Don’t project it onto your spouse.” (82)

Couples have sexual histories as individuals but they also have a shared history. This history can be positive or negative depending upon how you have treated each other during your marriage. Some people have positive relationships because they have worked to keep their communication open and because they created the sexual history within the bounds of marriage. Others have very bad histories including ‘mate rape,’ sexual rejection, adultery and pornography. Couples with these issues will have more difficulty working through the blockages. The only recourse is healing if you want to have an intimate marriage. Healing IS possible, given information and time.

Some couples suffer in the area of sexuality because one of the partners was abused by someone outside of the marriage. Weiss gives very interesting and appalling statistics. He writes that “30% of females and 10% of males are sexually abused before the age of eighteen. That breaks down to about one out of three women and one out of six men.” (84) All of our congregations are negatively impacted by this phenomenon. Sexual abuse causes major problems for the person who was hurt. Sexual abuse is a “three dimensional” trauma involving the spirit, soul and body. The ways that people respond to this trauma is varied. Some become overly sexual, some are not sexual at all. Others struggle with depression, eating disorders, rage, and an inability to have and enjoy healthy relationships. Weiss continues to make an important point: the person who was the offender is 100% responsible for the act but the victim remains 100% responsible for his or her own healing. And I add, we all must seek God for relief from expecting someone else to pay for damage they did not cause. Personal healing will allow the person who has been victimized to have more of themselves to give to their spouse, children and friends.

Sexual addiction is also a huge problem for marriages. It kills spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. Weiss notes that between 29-39% of Christian men in local churches are sexually addicted. (86). That means that over a third of us have husbands who suffer from sexual addictions! If your husband falls into this category I recommend that you read the book, Living with Your Husbands Secret Wars by Marsha Means.

Going through this chapter netted some pretty serious conversation on Sunday in our class. Starting with a question about ‘mate rape’ – that is, if your husband forces you to have sex with him when you’ve already said no is this considered ‘mate rape’ – we ended up in a pretty heavy and at times heated discussion about 1) whether Christian women have the right to deny their husbands and 2) if women who do say no do they encourage their husbands to cheat.  You can imagine how that went. Personally, I always get a bit angry when it seems as if women are held responsible -blamed- for their husbands’ wrong choices. It’s much like blaming the victim of spousal abuse saying if she had kept her mouth shut he wouldn’t have hit her.  When the scripture teaches that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to our spouses, did God mean that we are to be ‘ready in season and out of season, whether you feel like it or not?’

Clearly, we need to honor our husbands and wives with our bodies. That’s part of what this book is about. I guess, we may need to go back to the first couple of chapters and read about spiritual and emotional intimacy as the root of physical intimacy if we can expect to be victorious!

What do you think?

Lesson Five: Relational Plaque

Chapter Five relates toxic buildup in relationships to what happens if you don’t keep your teeth brushed. Relational plaque is caused by little acts of neglect as well as large offenses that are not dealt with. Weiss says us that many Christians have a problem with the word sin. We justify sinful behaviors by calling them something else, by rationalizing them. He writes ‘Selfishness, rudeness, taking advantage of another person and lying are all sins!” (67) When we sin against our spouses, we must seek forgiveness. And that forgiveness needs to be expressed sincerely and regularly. Instead, we often belittle or laugh off our spouse’s pain. We do that by making comments such as “I didn’t mean anything by it” or “that’ll teach you to…” or “can’t you take a joke etc.” Weiss teaches that each person will ask his/her spouse to forgive them WEEKLY if they want to avoid relational plaque. This is understandable if we acknowledge that many of the ways we treat each other is sinful and not a justified actions.

Weiss also reminds us that simply saying ‘I’m sorry’ is very different from saying “I sinned against you by….” Saying the words ‘I’m sorry’ is much easier than owning our own bad behaviors. Apologies must be sincere and not lightly given. In this way, you totally own your own sin. If you are not accustomed to apologizing, practice!

There is a really great exercise in this chapter that will help couples get rid of relational plaque. (pages 72-76) Someone in our class described how she and her husband used the process successfully. It is critical that you follow the instructions. Another person explained the relief she got after she had gone through the cleansing process. The class concluded that partners may need to return to the cleansing process regularly in order to honest grant forgiveness.

The goal of this chapter is to help each person understand that sin that we do not own or that is not confessed will become toxic to our relationships.

Start calling sin what it is. And when you sin against your spouse, tell them and ask for forgiveness.

Next chapter: Dealing With Sexuality.

Please post a comment on this or any of the other summaries. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Revdonna

Lesson Four: The Anger Enemy

Many married people are deeply – and justifiably – angry. Abuse and neglect have caused tremendous scarring and traumatized their marriages.  Not only have some refused to share their hearts with spouses but others have been emotionally and physically abused. Adultery is also an insidious part of marriages, unfortunately even among Christian couples. Adultery “affects the spirit, soul and body, creating deep wounds” (48)  and deeply impacts the offended person.  Weiss teaches that in each of these situations, each person has a specific area of responsibility.  The perpetrator is responsible for the feelings of the wounded person. However, the wounded person is the only one who can be responsible for the healing.  This is an important point. If your spouse has deeply wounded you, it is critical that you realize that you are the only person who has responsibility for the healing work that must be done.  If you do not take responsibility, then you will be stuck and anger will be your constant companion. When people are angry, intimacy is not possible.

We must all be careful of the many faces of anger. It can be overt, silent and even hidden. Whichever, it is important to identify the anger, the reason for the anger and to excise it.  To do so, Weiss recommends that we “cleanse” our temples.  Using the story of Jesus cleansing the temple, Weiss gives four principles for cleansing.
1. We must recognize that as the temple of God, it is our responsibility to keep it cleaned. Our temple can become defiled through manipulation, abuse and neglect from others. We can also defile our own temples. However, it becomes defiled, it is OUR responsibility to clean.  Even if our spouses deeply hurt us, we must do our own cleaning.
2. Like Jesus, we must identify the sin that causes the defilement. I loved Weiss’ comments. He writes, “most people who have hurt you have no concept of your holiness and preciousness.” (56)  Sin misuses and abuses something that is holy and sacred.
3. Jesus engaged his anger at the injustice, verbally and physically. This is not a license to beat the heck out of people who hurt us. It is, however, a call to be purposeful in the display of anger at injustices. If you are going to cleanse your temple you must make choices about the way you direct time and resources towards that cleansing.
4. Jesus restored the temple to its original order. Like Jesus, we must take responsibility for our healing and do what needs to be done to restore health and order to our lives. Trauma affects us at three levels- spirit, soul and body. It defiles us on each of those levels. True healing requires healing on all three levels. It is not adequate to do surface cleaning/healing if you want to have deep intimacy with your spouse and with others.

Weiss describes a “cleanse the temple” exercise that I strongly encourage you to read and consider. It is powerful. (58-64)

Lesson Three: Physical Intimacy

As we discussed in the first two chapters, physical intimacy, at its deepest level, is not possible nor is it sustainable unless a couple has first cultivated spiritual and emotional intimacy. Once couples have recognized the importance of these two levels, this important third level takes on a new level of depth and beauty.

God created us as physical beings. Every person needs to be touched – regularly – in order to have a good self-image. Non-sexual touch is very important because it is a NEED and not simply a WANT. The challenge for couples is that God often puts a person who has not grown up being touched with a person who likes to be touched. This makes for some very interesting (ok, stressful) situations if not dealt with properly. It is vitally important that couples get in touch with the value of touch in our marriages. This is critical not only for the health of the spouses but for the vitality of their children’s marriages. Married couples are the first models for their children on what marriage should be.

God gave us beautiful bodies which we offer as gifts to our spouses. Doug Weiss writes “sexual intimacy is the ability to engage your spouse spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It is the holy of holies of your relationship. Sexual intimacy allows us to know and be known in a way that no other person knows us.” (33). That’s why infidelity is such a problem. When a person is unfaithful to their spouse they are allowing another person to know them in a way that should be reserved only for their spouses. In other words, making love to your spouse creates a soul tie. When a person is unfaithful, they create a soul tie with another person.

God sees sex as sacred and holy. We should as well. Doug gives three principles for what he calls ‘three-dimensional sex’ in his book (35-37). I strongly encourage your reading and studying of these. One of the most important parts of Chapter Three is the introduction of the three stages of sexual development.

Stage One: Sexual Childhood
Regardless of age, a person may still be a child sexually. Sexual children do not understand that they are sexual beings, refuse to grow, experiment or explore their sexuality. They are emotional and unreasonable about marital sex.

Stage Two: Sexual Adolescent
These people are willing to be sexual but it is all about them. They refer to sex as “it,” “some,” and other object-type terms. They become angry or pouty when their needs are not met. They are often disconnected emotionally and spiritually during the sex act.

Stage Three: Sexual Adulthood
Weiss teaches that mature sexual adults accept their sexuality and learn to communicate within the limits of their personalities. This is the level to which we all need to strive.

Lesson Two: Soul Mates

Chapter two of our lesson teaches about the next level to intimacy, emotional intimacy.  In order to achieve emotional intimacy each spouse has to learn to nurture the other.  Nurturing is the skill to praise and affirm another person’s heart.  Dr. Weiss uses the metaphor of a sponge to describe the importance of nurturing our spouse’s soul.  We know what happens to sponges that are allowed to dry out. They become dry and brittle. Eventually, they become so dry that they are no longer functional. Likewise, people who do not receive regular praise also become dry and brittle.  What results is often sarcasm, anger, bitterness, and rigidity. The irony is that the person also has even less of an ability (and willingness) to give love to the person who withheld the praise! What a vicious cycle but how often we find ourselves in this place!

He makes an amazing point – many of us are very willing to nurture our children but are not willing to do the same for our spouses. We are all children of God and truthfully, we are all children in our deepest places. Why should we be willing to love our children unreservedly and not do the same for the person with whom we should be aspiring to spend the rest of our lives? Doesn’t make sense, does it?

Many of us were not nurtured as children and that is quite unfortunate. I certainly know the deep wounds that this neglect causes. However, we cannot let our past determine our futures! Even if we were not nurtured and praised God can heal our own wounds as we begin to pour into our spouses that which we did not receive.   If you aren’t sure how to be a nurturer, ask someone. Seek help. Come to Sunday School class and ask questions! You can learn… and your marriage will be so much better for the effort.

Doug Weiss poses three questions that we believed in our class discussion that all of us should ask. In fact, it was suggested that these questions be given to engaged couples.  These are questions that we could realistically expect God to ask when we get to heaven.

1. What did you do with Jesus?

2. What did you do with the spouse I gave to you?

3. What did you do with the children I gave you?

These are excellent questions.  Are you sharing Jesus? Do you view your spouse as a gift, a sacred trust that God expects you to honor? Do you view your children as gifts? Good questions, huh?  How do you think God will respond knowing that you WERE WILLFULLY NEGLECTING your spouse?  If you’ve been guilty of neglect in the past, you still have time to do what God has called you to do! Start today.

I particularly liked the image he used for people who do not know how to share their emotions. He called it ’emotional constipation.’  This can be a roadblock to connecting emotionally, a critical component to a healthy marriage.  Each one of us – men and women – NEED to be connected emotionally. This is a need, not a want.   We like to think that women are emotional and men are not (some smarty in class said that men were emotionally constipated and women had emotional diarrhea). We are all emotional beings since we were made in the image of God. Read the scriptures and you will see that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit exhibited emotions!   In order to connect emotionally, we must learn to honor emotions… immediately. Feelings are real but they are not necessarily truth and they change often. Sometimes feelings are not even rational. Yet, they ARE how the person is feeling at the time.  Allow your spouse the opportunity to share emotions and honor them for trusting you enough to do so!

Recap!

Stage 2 – EMOTIONAL INTIMACY (safety)

Stage 1 – SPIRITUAL INTIMACY (foundation)

Without spiritual intimacy you will not have emotional intimacy in your marriage.

Next week we talk about physical intimacy. If you want to have physical intimacy then you must attend to the foundation – spiritual intimacy and safety – emotional intimacy.

Married Couples Intimacy: Lesson 1

We are beginning a new study in my Sunday School class based on a wonderful book by Douglass Weiss, Intimacy: A 100-Day Guide To Lasting Relationships. (http://www.drdougweiss.com/)

Periodically, I will be posting summaries of the lessons we are studying. I encourage you to get the book and join me in this great study. The study is designed to help couples 1. understand the principles of intimacy, 2. discover roadblocks to intimacy and 3. find ways to make intimacy part of daily life. We know that great marriages don’t just happen. They require work and intentionality. Most of us spend more time on our hair than we do making sure our marriages are healthy. The divorce rate is over 50% – in the church! We are in a battle and every warrior knows that you cannot go into battle unprepared. I’ve been married for 26 years and I know from personal experience that the enemy wants our marriages to fail. But the devil is a liar and I am more than a conqueror through Christ! Join me in the fight!

NEED HELP FROM PASTORS OF AFRICAN AMERICAN CONGREGATIONS

I am completing a Masters in Theological Studies at the University of Dayton.  The purpose of the study is to ascertain what kinds of marriage preparation programs are occurring.  I have created a simple survey that will help with this project. I am asking you to visit the following website and complete the survey. Your assistance is much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Rev Donna

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=v_2b6_2bKNXDNG_2b56wef1WjMDg_3d_3d