Chapter 8: Priorities

This chapter is the one that leads couples to really make a 100 day commitment to their marriages. The author details three activities that every couple ought to do together every day: pray, share feelings, encourage each other. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Also sounds like something we ought to already be doing on a daily basis without having to read it in a book, doesn’t it?  If we ought to already be doing these things, then why are so many marriages in trouble?  The answer for most is that our relationships no longer take priority over the other things we let crowd our schedules. Remember when you were dating?  Weiss reminds us that we didn’t find time to be together. We made time. Because we wanted to impress the other person, because our relationships were top priority, we made sure to schedule quality time with our lover.  After marriage, many people just can’t seem to find five minutes to sit on the sofa and tell the other person about their day. How sad. If we are to change the horrific divorce statistics we must make our relationships top priority.

I challenge every married couple to set aside 100 days to reestablish their marriages as top priority. Spend a few minutes every day telling your spouse something about you – sharing a feeling (not just a thought). Spend a few minutes every day giving your spouse a sincere compliment. And, husband, take the initiative and pray with your wife every day. To get the recommended procedure, please read this chapter of the book. The information is life-changing!

Lesson Two: Soul Mates

Chapter two of our lesson teaches about the next level to intimacy, emotional intimacy.  In order to achieve emotional intimacy each spouse has to learn to nurture the other.  Nurturing is the skill to praise and affirm another person’s heart.  Dr. Weiss uses the metaphor of a sponge to describe the importance of nurturing our spouse’s soul.  We know what happens to sponges that are allowed to dry out. They become dry and brittle. Eventually, they become so dry that they are no longer functional. Likewise, people who do not receive regular praise also become dry and brittle.  What results is often sarcasm, anger, bitterness, and rigidity. The irony is that the person also has even less of an ability (and willingness) to give love to the person who withheld the praise! What a vicious cycle but how often we find ourselves in this place!

He makes an amazing point – many of us are very willing to nurture our children but are not willing to do the same for our spouses. We are all children of God and truthfully, we are all children in our deepest places. Why should we be willing to love our children unreservedly and not do the same for the person with whom we should be aspiring to spend the rest of our lives? Doesn’t make sense, does it?

Many of us were not nurtured as children and that is quite unfortunate. I certainly know the deep wounds that this neglect causes. However, we cannot let our past determine our futures! Even if we were not nurtured and praised God can heal our own wounds as we begin to pour into our spouses that which we did not receive.   If you aren’t sure how to be a nurturer, ask someone. Seek help. Come to Sunday School class and ask questions! You can learn… and your marriage will be so much better for the effort.

Doug Weiss poses three questions that we believed in our class discussion that all of us should ask. In fact, it was suggested that these questions be given to engaged couples.  These are questions that we could realistically expect God to ask when we get to heaven.

1. What did you do with Jesus?

2. What did you do with the spouse I gave to you?

3. What did you do with the children I gave you?

These are excellent questions.  Are you sharing Jesus? Do you view your spouse as a gift, a sacred trust that God expects you to honor? Do you view your children as gifts? Good questions, huh?  How do you think God will respond knowing that you WERE WILLFULLY NEGLECTING your spouse?  If you’ve been guilty of neglect in the past, you still have time to do what God has called you to do! Start today.

I particularly liked the image he used for people who do not know how to share their emotions. He called it ’emotional constipation.’  This can be a roadblock to connecting emotionally, a critical component to a healthy marriage.  Each one of us – men and women – NEED to be connected emotionally. This is a need, not a want.   We like to think that women are emotional and men are not (some smarty in class said that men were emotionally constipated and women had emotional diarrhea). We are all emotional beings since we were made in the image of God. Read the scriptures and you will see that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit exhibited emotions!   In order to connect emotionally, we must learn to honor emotions… immediately. Feelings are real but they are not necessarily truth and they change often. Sometimes feelings are not even rational. Yet, they ARE how the person is feeling at the time.  Allow your spouse the opportunity to share emotions and honor them for trusting you enough to do so!

Recap!

Stage 2 – EMOTIONAL INTIMACY (safety)

Stage 1 – SPIRITUAL INTIMACY (foundation)

Without spiritual intimacy you will not have emotional intimacy in your marriage.

Next week we talk about physical intimacy. If you want to have physical intimacy then you must attend to the foundation – spiritual intimacy and safety – emotional intimacy.

Lesson One: Spiritual Intimacy

Hello,

The lesson this week is about spiritual intimacy.

Men and women are in pursuit of intimacy but we often start from the wrong point. Stereotypically, men pursue physical intimacy while women pursue emotional intimacy in search of a happy and fulfilled marriage. We know that both physical and emotional intimacy are critical elements in a strong marriage. However, if we are to ever achieve lasting intimacy in those areas, we have to back it up a notch. Spiritual intimacy is the key that unlocks the door to the other two and it is the glue that holds them together. Achieving spiritual intimacy in our marriages requires a two-fold commitment. First, we have to be personally committed to an intimate relationship with God through the person of Jesus Christ. God loves each of us so much that God was willing to sacrifice God’s only son to demonstrate that love. And that sacrifice came even though we were not ‘worthy.’ Second, we have to be committed, as couples, to intimacy with Jesus.

If you imagine the spouses’ relationship with God and with each other in terms of a triangle, you can easily see the importance of God to the marriage. As both the husband and wife work to develop their relationship with God, they actually move closer to each other in the process and the triangle (relationship) remains stable. However, if one person develops a closer relationship with God than the other does, the triangle (relationship) becomes unstable.  Ps. 127:1 says ‘unless the Lord builds a house, its builders labor in vain.’ It is critical that intimacy with God through Christ be the foundation for marriage. When that occurs, God builds the marriage on a firm, stable foundation!

Our first step towards a more fulfilling, intimate relationship with our spouses starts with our living, breathing connection to Christ. It is important that we understand that developing the deepest intimacy is a journey, one that requires commitment and dedication!

Our destination = deepest intimacy

scenery = mountains and valleys. Sometimes we will get it right and sometimes we won’t. Sometimes things will be beautiful and sometimes we will feel a bit discouraged. But, if we stay committed to the journey we will arrive at the destination.

How long will the journey take? – the rest of our lives! There is always more to learn about God. There is always more to learn about the person to whom we are married. That makes things interesting.

We are starting this journey from different points. Let me shift metaphors for a moment. Some couples are standing on the beach, looking at the water. Other couples have their feet in the water. Still others are in waist deep. Some of the fortunate ones are already nearly neck deep.  Yet, each couple has something in common. No matter how deep their intimacy is right now, at the beginning of this journey, THEY CAN STILL GO DEEPER.

So, don’t be discouraged if you’re starting on the beach instead of in the water. Be honest with yourself and God about where you are. Commit to the journey and start walking! And trust that God is going to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that you could ever imagine!

Enjoy the trip.