Intimacy: Chapter 10

Date Your Spouse Or Go To Therapy!

It is so amazing to me that folk who got together in the first place by dating forget how to date once they are married. Add at least one child in the mix and dating begins to seem like something that folk used to do in the dark ages. When I do marriage retreats, one of the questions I always ask is for couples to tell when they last had a date. Thus starts the questions- does it count if we go to the grocery store, does it count if the children went, does it count if we met somewhere accidentally? The answer is NO! When I taught this lesson there was an engaged couple in class for the day. They looked at us as if we had lost our minds as we grappled with this subject. I challenged them to make sure they weren’t having this same conversation ten years from now. I pray they keep the dates going.

Weiss teaches that dating is an essential ingredient to successful and intimate marriages. No dating, you can expect to end up in marriage therapy at some point. When we don’t date, we begin to bore each other. We also begin to lose touch with who the other person is. Weiss teaches that dating is the ‘oil’ that lubricates our relationships. This chapter is wonderful because it actually teaches us how to date. He helps us to set boundaries for dating with very specific guidelines. I want to be respectful of Mr. Weiss’ property so I won’t go into details about each. I encourage you to read the chapter.

The guidelines to successful dates

  • No problems should be discussed. This is supposed to be fun.
  • No money discussions. This is supposed to be fun.
  • You should not do errands. This is supposed to be fun.
  • Do not go shopping. This is supposed to be fun.

Decide together how often you will date (weekly, every other week, monthly – the more often the better), how much you can spend on each date (dates do not have to cost money) and who will plan each date. He recommends that couples take turns making ALL of the plans for a date and choosing something THE PLANNER or responsible person wants to do. Couples will take turns being A) Responsible Person and B) Happy Camper. You got it. When you plan your spouse is supposed to give you the gift of being the happy camper. When your spouse plans the date, you are supposed to give him/her the gift of being the happy camper.

In order for this (or anything that has been posted her) to work, you must internalize a very important truth. YOU are the only person who can make YOU happy. Being happy is a personal decision. You should never abdicate your happiness. So, CHOOSE to be happy when your spouse takes you on a date. If it makes them happy, then enjoy it because they are enjoying it. Be a happy camper.

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One Response

  1. Very motivating

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