When I’m old

I saw something today that really blessed me even while it made me think. We were out for our morning romp on the beach. I was playing with a football along the shore while Gerald rode waves further out in the ocean. I saw a couple laying near the water in lounge chairs, the man on his side facing the woman, talking earnestly. Later, I saw them standing in the ocean, holding hands and quietly talking. By this time, Gerald had Hezekiah in the ocean, riding the waves. As I made my way closer to the boys, I passed near the couple. They looked old enough to be Adam and Eve, bodies wrinkled, evidence of a long life etched in their faces. Yet, their eyes sparkled and they laughed every time a wave washed over them. The three of us laughed about the cool water and agreed that it was warmer today than yesterday. I pressed on past. And as I stood there waiting for the boys to come closer, I thought about what I had seen.

The love and attention the man and woman lavish on each other was evident in every action. I imagined them standing before their pastor 60 years earlier, younger versions of themselves, vowing to stay together forever, through better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness, health. And in a flash I imagined all of the things they had seen, the pressures they had withstood, their losses, gains, joys and sorrows. I don’t know their story. I know only what I saw today – two people devoted to each other, a man and a woman who could allow the bigness of the world to shrink around them.

I want that! On August 15 Gerald and I will celebrate 29 years of marriage. In those years we’ve had many ups, downs, years of barely making it and years of plenty. There has been sadness, heartbreak, fear, anger, laughter, joy, wonder, peace, strife – we’ve been through a lot together, and often wondered if it was worth another try.  We’ve raised two children and are co-raising a grandchild. I don’t know what that couple has withstood. But I know that one day I want to stand in the ocean, holding hands as Gerald and I close the rest of the world out. And, I know, from the benefit of 28 years of marriage, counseling many married couples and teaching an on-going Sunday School class for nearly 15 years, that it will not just happen. The only thing that occurs naturally is deterioration. Anything that is not actively tended will deteriorate. Beautiful gardens become wastelands of weeds, a brand new home soon becomes a dump, a svelte body becomes a spongy mass of flesh, a relationship untended is not a relationship at all.

The result I want to see when I’m old starts with the work I do today. How about you?

Winter Renewal: Touch Up Your Roots Marriage Retreat

Give your relationship the gift of ONE day where you set aside the worries of every day life and focus entirely on improving your marriage.

The retreat will start at 8:30 am and end at 6:00 pm.

Spend a day laughing, talking, dancing & learning how to ‘touch up your roots.’

This retreat is appropriate for married couples as well as those who are seriously dating or engaged.

New study to begin in February: Bring Home The Joy

An invitation to invest in your relationship!

Starting next week we will begin a new study for married couples. I also recommend that those who are engaged participate.

The book, Bring Home The Joy, is a series of articles by some of the greatest minds on marriage.  The study is designed to help couples “strengthen and renew” marriages at any stage, whether brand new or seasoned.

We will learn

• the number one priority in your marriage
• how to fight in a way that lets you both come out winners
• the incredible power of commitment
• secrets for enjoying mutually satisfying sex (married folk only)
• how to become soul mates
• and much more!

Please get a copy of the book and join me weekly as I post summaries from the Sunday lessons.  I invite your comments.  I know that God is going to bless so plan now to join us in this study.

You are welcomed to join us at Omega Baptist Church on Sundays at 10:00.

Ten Ways to Ensure that Your Spouse Feels Loved

This is from Family Dynamics Institute.

1.     Pray with your spouse every day. 2.     Enjoy a “date” every week with your spouse. 3.     Spend 10 minutes each day listening to your spouse share his or her day. 4.     Discover & fulfill four ways your spouse likes you to receive affection. 5.     While at home wear only what the other desires you to wear, as long as you feelcomfortable doing so. 6.     Give your spouse 15 minutes per week to ask you any question and answer each question honestly. 7.     Spend 5 un-interrupted minutes each week telling your spouse what you specifically appreciate about him or her. 8.     Ask your spouse what domestic chore he or she would like you to do for him or her, and do it. 9.     Save up to $25 this next month that you would normally spend pampering yourself and put it into your retirement fund. 10.     Spend at least two hours every week for the next month doing something enriching for your entire family.

Intimacy: Chapter 11

Finding Sexual Agreement

This is a good chapter, my friends. Dr. Weiss talks about the ‘sexual system’ that most people do not realize they have developed and use. The system is unspoken, unclear and never agreed-upon. For many couples, this system is dysfunctional and has manipulation at its core and injury results.

God gives men and women the gift of sex. Yet, as in most things, God gives different versions of those gifts. Weiss teaches that God gifts men a strong sex drive that ‘glues a man to a woman spiritually, emotionally and neurologically.” (206). This gift is different in women whose sex drive comes mostly from the communion on an emotionally and spiritual realm. He believes “women intuitively desire spirit, soul and body sex for the majority of her sexual experiences.” A major part of a woman’s sexuality is ‘wrapped up in her spiritual and emotional needs met on a daily basis.” (207)

This chapter is designed to help couples create sexual agreement so that the unspoken, broken systems can be dismantled. We were created to love each other on many levels. Men and women may have different needs for sex in marriage but we all know that it is an important part of our intimacy. The men in my class were afraid that we would not get to the sex part since the book starts with spiritual intimacy. Hopefully, by now we all know that there is NO hope for sexual intimacy if we do not build spiritual and emotional intimacy.

Sexual Agreement occurs when men and women “intelligently and calmly discuss how often they both desire to have sexual intimacy and then fairly distributes the responsibility for initiating sex.” (210) IF YOU DO NOT AGREE ON A SEXUAL SYSTEM, YOU WILL STILL CREATE ONE without the agreement.

So, start talking and then….. (pages 211-226)

Intimacy: Chapter 10

Date Your Spouse Or Go To Therapy!

It is so amazing to me that folk who got together in the first place by dating forget how to date once they are married. Add at least one child in the mix and dating begins to seem like something that folk used to do in the dark ages. When I do marriage retreats, one of the questions I always ask is for couples to tell when they last had a date. Thus starts the questions- does it count if we go to the grocery store, does it count if the children went, does it count if we met somewhere accidentally? The answer is NO! When I taught this lesson there was an engaged couple in class for the day. They looked at us as if we had lost our minds as we grappled with this subject. I challenged them to make sure they weren’t having this same conversation ten years from now. I pray they keep the dates going.

Weiss teaches that dating is an essential ingredient to successful and intimate marriages. No dating, you can expect to end up in marriage therapy at some point. When we don’t date, we begin to bore each other. We also begin to lose touch with who the other person is. Weiss teaches that dating is the ‘oil’ that lubricates our relationships. This chapter is wonderful because it actually teaches us how to date. He helps us to set boundaries for dating with very specific guidelines. I want to be respectful of Mr. Weiss’ property so I won’t go into details about each. I encourage you to read the chapter.

The guidelines to successful dates

• No problems should be discussed. This is supposed to be fun.
• No money discussions. This is supposed to be fun.
• You should not do errands. This is supposed to be fun.
• Do not go shopping. This is supposed to be fun.

Decide together how often you will date (weekly, every other week, monthly – the more often the better), how much you can spend on each date (dates do not have to cost money) and who will plan each date. He recommends that couples take turns making ALL of the plans for a date and choosing something THE PLANNER or responsible person wants to do. Couples will take turns being A) Responsible Person and B) Happy Camper. You got it. When you plan your spouse is supposed to give you the gift of being the happy camper. When your spouse plans the date, you are supposed to give him/her the gift of being the happy camper.

In order for this (or anything that has been posted her) to work, you must internalize a very important truth. YOU are the only person who can make YOU happy. Being happy is a personal decision. You should never abdicate your happiness. So, CHOOSE to be happy when your spouse takes you on a date. If it makes them happy, then enjoy it because they are enjoying it. Be a happy camper.

Buy the book

Intimacy: Chapter 9

Building Intimacies

We’ve been discussing ways to create intimacy in marriage. Weiss teaches that many marriages lack the structure to encourage intimacy and are ill-equipped and often disappointed when our spouses don’t meet our needs.  The following are key points Weiss teaches.

• Passion begins to falter when our priorities are out of alignment. “Passion is a dividend of consistent investments made into a relationship.” (153)
• We must  “make” time to be together after we are married just like we did when we dated. During the dating process we are literally ‘selling’ each other on the idea of being married so we do whatever is necessary to make sure it happens. Somehow, after marriage, many people put their relationship at the bottom of the schedule. This is a recipe for failure.
• You cannot get passion back into your marriage without making your relationship a priority

Weiss teaches three ways to place priorities back in marriage. I recommend that you read and plan to do them.

• Praying with spouse daily.
• Sharing your feelings daily (Note: This is not about sharing why your spouse is getting on your nerves or how they are hurting you. This is about helping your spouse know how you feel about things in general. For everyone who just got ‘skerd’ don’t worry- he gives examples on how to do this.)
• Praise and nurture your spouse daily.  Because words of affirmation is my primary love language I know just how important it is to hear from your spouse daily words that nurture my soul.

This begins the 100 days to intimacy.  Weiss challenges us to commit to do these three disciplines daily for 100 days and see God work!

Happy travels!

Chapter 8: Priorities

This chapter is the one that leads couples to really make a 100 day commitment to their marriages. The author details three activities that every couple ought to do together every day: pray, share feelings, encourage each other. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Also sounds like something we ought to already be doing on a daily basis without having to read it in a book, doesn’t it?  If we ought to already be doing these things, then why are so many marriages in trouble?  The answer for most is that our relationships no longer take priority over the other things we let crowd our schedules. Remember when you were dating?  Weiss reminds us that we didn’t find time to be together. We made time. Because we wanted to impress the other person, because our relationships were top priority, we made sure to schedule quality time with our lover.  After marriage, many people just can’t seem to find five minutes to sit on the sofa and tell the other person about their day. How sad. If we are to change the horrific divorce statistics we must make our relationships top priority.

I challenge every married couple to set aside 100 days to reestablish their marriages as top priority. Spend a few minutes every day telling your spouse something about you – sharing a feeling (not just a thought). Spend a few minutes every day giving your spouse a sincere compliment. And, husband, take the initiative and pray with your wife every day. To get the recommended procedure, please read this chapter of the book. The information is life-changing!

Chapter 7: Money Matters

This chapter really gets at the ways that husbands and wives communicate about finances. It sparked very interesting …. conversation… in our class. The writer details three developmental stages for money management: financial child, financial adolescent and financial adult. There was a lot of discussion about the pressure on the spouse who does the finances if the other person chooses to turn a deaf ear or be totally uninvolved. You really ought to read this chapter! As always, it is important that we look at our own behaviors rather than our spouses. And how difficult is that!

This chapter is basically a workbook that helps couples understand their own identities regarding finances and to come into agreement about the way money is handled. Amos 3:3 says “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” Since many couples never come into agreement (or even discuss) the ways they are going to use money, is there any wonder that finances is one of the greatest stumbling blocks in marriage?? As a person who has been married for over 26 years and part of a couple for whom finances have been a major battle ground, I can tell you that it is critical that we stop letting the enemy have even a toe-hole! We honor God with respective and thoughtful use of our finances. And that takes BOTH partners and requires that both move into financial adulthood.

What does finances have to do with intimacy, you ask? I’m glad you did. It has everything to do with intimacy. How can you expect to have soul intimacy (including physical intimacy) when the lack of agreement about finances may be the cause of pain, anxiety, fear, and frustration? We learned early in this study that we start our journey to intimacy with a strong relationship with God. God is just as interested in how we use our money as God is about how we use our bodies. If you don’t believe me, count the numbers of time money is mentioned in the scriptures!

God bless.

Chapter Six: Sexuality

The deeper we get into this book the more convinced I am that this is a must-read for married couples AND for couples who are engaged. In fact, I am performing my first marriage and am going to require the couple to read the book. Both of these individuals have been married before and I know there is healing that needs to occur if this marriage is going to last.

Chapter 6 helps couples deal with sexuality. Weiss teaches that most of us have never developed a healthy and strong sense of sexuality because of our past sexual histories. Some marriages, he says are plagued with ‘sexual anorexia’ which he defines as “the active withholding of spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy.” (77) Most people married today have not kept themselves free of sexual liaisons prior to getting married. They come to marriage with premarital sexual baggage that creates hindrances in the present. Sexual activity outside of the bounds of marriage cause tremendous damage- to the person committing the sexual act, to the future wife or husband as well as to the relationship with God. We were created as sexual beings but its expression is right ONLY within the marriage relationship and was created by God to allow us to connect with one person for life.

When sex occurs outside of the marriage relationship, whether in premarital situations, adultery, or pornography the person committing the sin- and that’s what it is- creates a ‘secret place’ that keeps them from being 100 percent intimate with their spouses. Sexual sin exposes you to various personalities and fantasies that can block a person from fully accepting and appreciating their spouse. Sexual sin defiles the marriage institution which God loves so very much. Sexual memories are, as Weiss puts it, an “unfortunate consequence of the sins to which you exposed yourself. Your memory is your problem. Don’t project it onto your spouse.” (82)

Couples have sexual histories as individuals but they also have a shared history. This history can be positive or negative depending upon how you have treated each other during your marriage. Some people have positive relationships because they have worked to keep their communication open and because they created the sexual history within the bounds of marriage. Others have very bad histories including ‘mate rape,’ sexual rejection, adultery and pornography. Couples with these issues will have more difficulty working through the blockages. The only recourse is healing if you want to have an intimate marriage. Healing IS possible, given information and time.

Some couples suffer in the area of sexuality because one of the partners was abused by someone outside of the marriage. Weiss gives very interesting and appalling statistics. He writes that “30% of females and 10% of males are sexually abused before the age of eighteen. That breaks down to about one out of three women and one out of six men.” (84) All of our congregations are negatively impacted by this phenomenon. Sexual abuse causes major problems for the person who was hurt. Sexual abuse is a “three dimensional” trauma involving the spirit, soul and body. The ways that people respond to this trauma is varied. Some become overly sexual, some are not sexual at all. Others struggle with depression, eating disorders, rage, and an inability to have and enjoy healthy relationships. Weiss continues to make an important point: the person who was the offender is 100% responsible for the act but the victim remains 100% responsible for his or her own healing. And I add, we all must seek God for relief from expecting someone else to pay for damage they did not cause. Personal healing will allow the person who has been victimized to have more of themselves to give to their spouse, children and friends.

Sexual addiction is also a huge problem for marriages. It kills spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. Weiss notes that between 29-39% of Christian men in local churches are sexually addicted. (86). That means that over a third of us have husbands who suffer from sexual addictions! If your husband falls into this category I recommend that you read the book, Living with Your Husbands Secret Wars by Marsha Means.

Going through this chapter netted some pretty serious conversation on Sunday in our class. Starting with a question about ‘mate rape’ – that is, if your husband forces you to have sex with him when you’ve already said no is this considered ‘mate rape’ – we ended up in a pretty heavy and at times heated discussion about 1) whether Christian women have the right to deny their husbands and 2) if women who do say no do they encourage their husbands to cheat.  You can imagine how that went. Personally, I always get a bit angry when it seems as if women are held responsible -blamed- for their husbands’ wrong choices. It’s much like blaming the victim of spousal abuse saying if she had kept her mouth shut he wouldn’t have hit her.  When the scripture teaches that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to our spouses, did God mean that we are to be ‘ready in season and out of season, whether you feel like it or not?’

Clearly, we need to honor our husbands and wives with our bodies. That’s part of what this book is about. I guess, we may need to go back to the first couple of chapters and read about spiritual and emotional intimacy as the root of physical intimacy if we can expect to be victorious!

What do you think?