It’s A New Season

Tuesday morning marked the next step in the parenting process for our family. Jonathan officially left home to start his life in his own place. Seeing him off at the beginning of the academic year is not a new phenomenon. We’ve done this annually for the past six years. First, we drove him to Hampton, Virginia where our little boy started his undergraduate studies at Hampton University. I cried for two weeks prior to that fateful day and two weeks afterwards. And every year we have had a new milestone and more tears - from the first time we allowed him to take the car back and drive alone to moving into apartments, being crowned Mr. Hampton etc. Then we took him to Pennsylvania where he started his masters at Penn State.

But there is something very different about this academic year. Jonathan is starting his first, post-graduate school, professional job. He’s the new Assistant Director of Multicultural Affairs at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem. He seems so young but we were married and I was pregnant with him when I was Jonathan’s age so I know he’s not a little boy. But this mother’s heart is filled with conflict. On the one hand, I am so proud of Jonathan. He’s a wonderful young man, intelligent, kind and saved! I know he’s going to do a great job at Wake Forest and I know that God is going use him in amazing ways. On the other hand, my baby is gone. This summer is likely the last summer we will have with all of us at home. And that breaks my heart even while I rejoice to see him prosper. Oh that I could turn back the hands of time every now and then and have that little boy who once sat on my lap, hugged my neck and gave me big wet sloppy kisses. To see the boy who used to do flips over anything that he could climb on, every now and then, would be a joy. But, would I trade the joys of seeing him leave home a boy and come back home a bit closer to being a man? Or would I trade seeing him walk across the stages at Hampton or Penn State to have degrees conferred with honor? Would I miss the times we sit in the kitchen talking? It’s all good. I have the blessed assurance that God is holding the future of my little boy/man child in his hands and that God will keep that which I have committed to him. And make no mistake about it, Jonathan was committed to the Lord when he was a baby and repeatedly over the years as he grew up. So, I let my tears of joy and sorrow mingle as I look forward to what will be.

Gift of God Photography

Summer is a great time to capture those special moments forever. And if you’re like you me, you already have a million photos of your family with one important person missing - you! Well that need not be the case this year. There is a tremendous new photographer for hire. Visit http://hisgift.wordpress.com for more information.

Intimacy: Chapter 11

Finding Sexual Agreement

This is a good chapter, my friends. Dr. Weiss talks about the ’sexual system’ that most people do not realize they have developed and use. The system is unspoken, unclear and never agreed-upon. For many couples, this system is dysfunctional and has manipulation at its core and injury results.

God gives men and women the gift of sex. Yet, as in most things, God gives different versions of those gifts. Weiss teaches that God gifts men a strong sex drive that ‘glues a man to a woman spiritually, emotionally and neurologically.” (206). This gift is different in women whose sex drive comes mostly from the communion on an emotionally and spiritual realm. He believes “women intuitively desire spirit, soul and body sex for the majority of her sexual experiences.” A major part of a woman’s sexuality is ‘wrapped up in her spiritual and emotional needs met on a daily basis.” (207)

This chapter is designed to help couples create sexual agreement so that the unspoken, broken systems can be dismantled. We were created to love each other on many levels. Men and women may have different needs for sex in marriage but we all know that it is an important part of our intimacy. The men in my class were afraid that we would not get to the sex part since the book starts with spiritual intimacy. Hopefully, by now we all know that there is NO hope for sexual intimacy if we do not build spiritual and emotional intimacy.

Sexual Agreement occurs when men and women “intelligently and calmly discuss how often they both desire to have sexual intimacy and then fairly distributes the responsibility for initiating sex.” (210) IF YOU DO NOT AGREE ON A SEXUAL SYSTEM, YOU WILL STILL CREATE ONE without the agreement.

So, start talking and then….. (pages 211-226)

Introducing Ghana Odyssey

Have you felt the call to travel to the Motherland?

If so, allow me to help you. For nearly ten years I have been introducing groups to the magnificent culture of Ghana, West Africa. Most of those groups I have personally lead. For others, I have made the travel arrangements and planned the trip.

I am thrilled to launch GhanaOdyssey, a subsidiary of Personal Best Ministries LLC. The website, GhanaOdyssey.wordpress.com, is under construction but please check back frequently for information.

In the meantime, if you are interested in travel to Ghana, please let me know. I would love to assist you. I have all of the resources to plan a spectacular trip for your group! You can also join me on my next trip. The date will be released in the early fall.

I am also able to plan group travel to other parts of the world as well!

Intimacy: Chapter 10

Date Your Spouse Or Go To Therapy!

It is so amazing to me that folk who got together in the first place by dating forget how to date once they are married. Add at least one child in the mix and dating begins to seem like something that folk used to do in the dark ages. When I do marriage retreats, one of the questions I always ask is for couples to tell when they last had a date. Thus starts the questions- does it count if we go to the grocery store, does it count if the children went, does it count if we met somewhere accidentally? The answer is NO! When I taught this lesson there was an engaged couple in class for the day. They looked at us as if we had lost our minds as we grappled with this subject. I challenged them to make sure they weren’t having this same conversation ten years from now. I pray they keep the dates going.

Weiss teaches that dating is an essential ingredient to successful and intimate marriages. No dating, you can expect to end up in marriage therapy at some point. When we don’t date, we begin to bore each other. We also begin to lose touch with who the other person is. Weiss teaches that dating is the ‘oil’ that lubricates our relationships. This chapter is wonderful because it actually teaches us how to date. He helps us to set boundaries for dating with very specific guidelines. I want to be respectful of Mr. Weiss’ property so I won’t go into details about each. I encourage you to read the chapter.

The guidelines to successful dates

• No problems should be discussed. This is supposed to be fun.
• No money discussions. This is supposed to be fun.
• You should not do errands. This is supposed to be fun.
• Do not go shopping. This is supposed to be fun.

Decide together how often you will date (weekly, every other week, monthly - the more often the better), how much you can spend on each date (dates do not have to cost money) and who will plan each date. He recommends that couples take turns making ALL of the plans for a date and choosing something THE PLANNER or responsible person wants to do. Couples will take turns being A) Responsible Person and B) Happy Camper. You got it. When you plan your spouse is supposed to give you the gift of being the happy camper. When your spouse plans the date, you are supposed to give him/her the gift of being the happy camper.

In order for this (or anything that has been posted her) to work, you must internalize a very important truth. YOU are the only person who can make YOU happy. Being happy is a personal decision. You should never abdicate your happiness. So, CHOOSE to be happy when your spouse takes you on a date. If it makes them happy, then enjoy it because they are enjoying it. Be a happy camper.

Buy the book

Intimacy: Chapter 9

Building Intimacies

We’ve been discussing ways to create intimacy in marriage. Weiss teaches that many marriages lack the structure to encourage intimacy and are ill-equipped and often disappointed when our spouses don’t meet our needs.  The following are key points Weiss teaches.

• Passion begins to falter when our priorities are out of alignment. “Passion is a dividend of consistent investments made into a relationship.” (153)
• We must  “make” time to be together after we are married just like we did when we dated. During the dating process we are literally ’selling’ each other on the idea of being married so we do whatever is necessary to make sure it happens. Somehow, after marriage, many people put their relationship at the bottom of the schedule. This is a recipe for failure.
• You cannot get passion back into your marriage without making your relationship a priority

Weiss teaches three ways to place priorities back in marriage. I recommend that you read and plan to do them.

• Praying with spouse daily.
• Sharing your feelings daily (Note: This is not about sharing why your spouse is getting on your nerves or how they are hurting you. This is about helping your spouse know how you feel about things in general. For everyone who just got ’skerd’ don’t worry- he gives examples on how to do this.)
• Praise and nurture your spouse daily.  Because words of affirmation is my primary love language I know just how important it is to hear from your spouse daily words that nurture my soul.

This begins the 100 days to intimacy.  Weiss challenges us to commit to do these three disciplines daily for 100 days and see God work!

Happy travels!

Introducing GrammySpeaks.wordpress.com

Hello everyone,

I made a teeshirt with ‘askgrammy.com’ embroidered on it. As I traveled from Dayton to Florida and even during check-in, I was asked several times if this were a real website. After talking to the people who told me they would visit such a website and asking for their input on what they would want to see, ‘grammyspeaks’ was born. Although it is a new site, readers can expect to find sage advice, recipes, articles, resources, and a host of other materials designed to nurture and care for families.

Being a grandparent is such a blessing. I am honored to have this platform to share, not just my own experiences but those of others who have ‘been there-done that’ with the help of God!

I invite you to

1. visit grammyspeaks.wordpress.com

2. comment on any of the posts

3. send any information that you think would be helpful to readers to me at revdonna.cox@gmail.com.

4. pass on the url to any people you believe would benefit.

Thank you for your continued support. God is doing a marvelous work. I hear from people all over that they are reading the blogs but just not commenting. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Rev. Donna

The Loss of A Mentor: Dr. Odell Hobbs

If you read my book, Angels Encamped About Me: Provision In the Wilderness, you met Dr. Odell Hobbs as he was one of my angels. Dr. Hobbs went home to be with the Lord last week and his service took place Wednesday, May 14, 2008. I tried to attend but finding out about the death last minute meant sky-rocket airline ticket prices and rearranging several things that had already been scheduled, thus impacting others. I struggled because I really and truly wanted to be there to show my respect. Then, it occurred to me that rushing to the side of dead body doesn’t really honor the person; it makes us feel better. I wished I had gone to see him before he died so I could have talked to him. I could have sat with him once more to hear his voice, to talk about music, and to listen to him tell stories. I could have reminded him just how much he meant to me. He and I talked during the Christmas holiday and I told him just that. He never got a chance to read my book but the love I felt for him is forever written in that story.

Every time I stand before my choir, I honor the man who taught me to be passionate about music. So much of what I know and believe about music I learned from him. So much of who I am as a conductor and teacher are rooted in things I gleaned from him. I am forever grateful for the years I was a singer in the famed Virginia Union Concert Choir. Dr. Hobbs was a task master (ok, he was a maniac) but he produced excellence! We sang so beautifully at times that we were all moved to tears. And that man could make a choir do a pianissimo like none I have ever heard since and to which I still strive. He employed tough love before the term was coined. He yelled, he pushed, he threatened and he even hit me on the shoulder once in front of 100 high school students. The fact that I was running my mouth instead of paying attention is still irrelevant :).  After he hit me he made me conduct the choir. I loved that man!! I thank God for him and look forward to singing in the choir with him in Heaven, where I know he’s going to be head choral director.

Live Your Life This Way

Live your life in such a way
That when your feet hit
The floor in the morning,
Satan Shudders
And says
“OH NO—She’s AWAKE!!!”

What does this say to you?

Two Glasses Of Wine

My brother sent this to me and I thought it was special enough to share. I do not know the originator but it is really beautiful. Feel free to comment.

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine…

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.  He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.  The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.”

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.  The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life; If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.”

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.  Take time to get medical checkups.  Take your partner out to dinner.  Play another 18.  Do one more run down the ski slope.  There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.  Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter.  Set your priorities.  The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled.  “I’m glad you asked.  It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.”